Got a toothbrush?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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