Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
