i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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