I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
