Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
