I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
