Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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