I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
