He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
