I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
