dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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