They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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