just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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