Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
