I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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