Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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