I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
