I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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