cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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