My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
