this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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