You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
