mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
