Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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