my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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