we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize