Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
