I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
