I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
