Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
