Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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