I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We had sex on a dog bed..
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She has the best kind of daddy issues
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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