At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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