I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
