She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
