she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize