The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
