If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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