Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
