she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
