Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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