he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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