i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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