Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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