No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
