I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
