He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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