I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
