If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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