everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
