I'm gonna have a badass scar
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
