Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
