Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
