Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
