My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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