walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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