not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
please don't ironically join a cult
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