So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
