not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
