They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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