i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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