The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
