I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
